Learning to live together
The first rule in marriage is learning the word ‘we’. You’re longer
single and have to learn how to adapt to your new status. Yes, you
courted for a while but you were lovers not spouses. So questions like
why do I need to keep the bedroom tidy all the time should not come up
no matter how many times you have to re-arrange the bedroom in a day.
You remind him that you just finished arranging the room… He says sorry
and still leaves the clothes and the shoes there!
Solution
Most men generally are not good with housekeeping. This is a fact you
must bitterly accept if you don’t want to be christened a NAG. Accept
this, and learn to live with it or find a truce, you never can tell, he
might be good at repair works all over the house and would gladly trade
that for keeping the bedroom tidy.
What chores are right
Why should I prepare his meals when we have a cook or house help? What
is the big deal in cooking or serving his meals? After all, you are
equally spent and tired like him after the office hours. You get home
late and leave home early too like him!
Solution
Courtship period differs greatly from married life. What quite a number
of men permits during courtship period will not be tolerated in
marriages. If your spouse enjoyed your meals during your courtship
period, he certainly won’t enjoy a cook or house help’s now that you’re
married.
If you insist on deferring this function to your cook due work stress, read his reaction!
If you hear the complains, then that is good for you, it means you need to change your position before it gets out of hands but if you do not, then…
No matter how busy, as a wife, create time to cook and serve your
husband personally! Prepare his favourite meals and freeze if you do not
have time to cook often. Serve his meals as regular as possible. If you
do have a cook, try to supervise and see that things are done
properly.It may or may not be perfect, let him see your effort and
interest. He does notice and yes, it does matters!
Pursuing a career after the vows
This is one sore point with some couples, though with the recent
economic depression world over, cases like this are on the decline. Some
spouses prefer wives that work from home, run their personal businesses
or full-time housewives. While this decision might sit with some, it
might not work with others building their career paths or about to.
Solution
The first way to manage this is to find settle down in your home and
enjoy it…enjoy it? You may ask? Yes, I said enjoy it. If you do have
kids, take care of them properly. Attend to your husband needs. If you
do satisfy all these then, you can bring up the issue of working again.
Tell him why you need to work, let him understand it isn’t the money rather, the fulfillment. How it would make you feel accomplished and happy! Let him understand that you would be happier and this would rub off positively on him and the kids and the entire family!
Let him know when you feel better about yourself, you can equally perform better in your duties as wife and mother.
Plead with him and do make sure you have a plan on what to embark on. Be patient and pray about it.
Keeping the slimmer you after marriage
You have added some weight and have unsuccessfully tried to lose it.
Why should he be complaining? After all, both of you are in the same
boat. He is even heavier than you, so why is he talking?
Solution
Over time, with children, you tend to add weight. You have bulges here
and there and fluctuate from one size to another. Same with your spouse
in some cases but this won’t stop him from complaining about yours. And
having babies is no justification for packing on the pounds with
Hollywood celebs bouncing back to their svelte size after birthing
babies. Does it mean you do not care about what he says or thinks?
We know you care and probably worried about it too, desiring to return
to your pre-baby body size. But castigating him about it won’t shrink
your weight size in his eyes. Leave the squabbles and make a genuine
effort to lose weight, for you first.
If you make genuine effort and do it for yourself, I bet your husband
would be motivated and come around to join you. Get to work and regain
your confidence!
The in-law trap
Why should I have my in-laws around? Do I have to be nice to them? Why should I care?
Solution
Solution
Remember the day you took your vows, you promised to adhere? Marriage
does not revolve around you and your husband (in the African context).
You are married entirely to the whole family!
“Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and to God what belongs to God”
You must have heard about this Biblical quotation as it is applicable to
this situation. Give to them what is due with all honest and leave the
rest to God.
Truly make genuine effort to accept your husband’s family and I believe it would be reciprocal (even if it’s not, just do your part).I do agree there maybe occasions when this suggestion backfires but if you do not try, how would you know?
Give room for your mother-in-law as appropriate. It is difficult for
some mothers to let go off their sons. You may not understand this
feelings until you have children. Liase with a couple who have been
successfully married for many years and let them give words of advice as
time goes on.
Pray for difficult in-laws and relatives and learn to take your stand
when necessary. You need a lot of wisdom and understanding here.
Investing in the future/ Avoiding the splurge
We are rich, comfortable and can afford the latest car, so why not?
Traveling abroad for vacations shouldn’t be a privilege, it should be a
right because we can afford it. He’s too practical about investments.
When the opportunity pops up, he says he would rather invest the money
than travel abroad. You do want a new car but he would rather invest on
land or property!
It sounds ridiculous! And you do not understand or rather would not understand!
Solution
Relax! Chill! Cool down!
Do you want to cry your eyes out? Do you want to shout down the roofs?
Do you want to keep malice till God-know-when? Or do you want to fight?
There is a way out, calm down. Take some time off from this discussion.
Focus on other things. Do not bring up this until you are totally calm.
Seat down and reflect….seriously on his stand. Is he right? What are
the reasons? Are they really for the benefits of the family? Which
is more important now, luxury or investment?
Be honest with yourself about the answers you come up with. However, if
you do not still have answers, then ask him calmly and listen patiently
to his answers.
Whatever, the outcome, put it in prayers.
Keeping friends
Why should I not keep so many friends like I want and hang out with
them when and how I like? Why should I always ask or discuss before I do
things?
You have always taken decisions until you got married (excellent
decisions anyway). You got out and visit as you like. You hang out with
friends anytime.
Now you are asked to consult, discuss your decisions. You do not want to take ‘permission’ after all you are an adult, right?
Solution
You are married now and no longer single! There’s a huge difference. You have a partner and you must be considerate in your actions now.
Let him know what you want to do, carry him along and inform of your
thoughts before they become decisions. He would also carry you along.
Learn to listen to what he has to say. Mind your social activities, as
things have changed. Know there are many sheep in wolves skin or
clothing. It’s not all your friends that are happy for you or your
married status. Be wise and pick your friends from now.Really listen to
him and try to balance things.
So when you start having a “bumpy ride” in your relationship, don’t be surprised. Expect it. Relationships are never easy -– even in the best marriages. There will always be things to work out, sacrifices to be made, and changes that we each must undertake to accommodate our spouse.To get married and to stay happily married, know that marriage will entail hard work.
So when you start having a “bumpy ride” in your relationship, don’t be surprised. Expect it. Relationships are never easy -– even in the best marriages. There will always be things to work out, sacrifices to be made, and changes that we each must undertake to accommodate our spouse.To get married and to stay happily married, know that marriage will entail hard work.
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